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The Will to Go On

So it’s been a while. Yeah. It sucks and I’m not happy about it being a while for me to post. I had a September ‘The Monthly’ in my drafts but just deleted it. Everything that I wanted to say in that post is going to be said in this one. My will to go on with things that I enjoy depleted. It’s slowly coming back to me, but it’s not strong. To be honest, it wasn’t even strong to begin with, just not totally gone like it has been the past month and half.

So now I’m just going to come right out and say it: I’ve been struggling with depression.

It’s been an incredibly slow process to get me back in the mind to actually want to do things. Talking to a therapist doesn’t do it for me anymore – I’m still doing that, but I am also on medication. It’s a really basic anti-depressant that my psychiatrist prescribed me to start on, and gave me another set that I like to call “my emergency happy pills” – I can only take them later on at night if I’ve been feeling particularly shitty for the day and they’re at an extremely low dosage. Luckily enough, I have not found the need to take those pills to often. I have however, suffered other things in return.

The entire first week of being on my meds, where I was only taking half a pill at 25mg a day, I had an on/off fever that spiked to 100.2 degrees every day, and then would drop back down, and go back up. I also experienced major pains pretty much all over my body and had to be hospitalized for a couple hours in the ER at the beginning due to the chest pains hurting so much I could barely breathe. It was painful to breathe and thankfully we were only there for a short amount of time before they discharged me with some strong pain medication and I went back to my room and slept. I then had an immense amount of hip pain at the end of the week which thankfully went away quicker than the fever did.

It took me a week and half of feeling like shit for me to feel myself again, and even now I don’t fully feel like myself. I feel like a version of myself that’s tired of working hard to fix herself. But I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again, and its been a lot of work even though I still don’t feel normal again. I still don’t enjoy doing things that I want but I’m slowly starting to like them again.

I never enjoy being around people to begin with. I cling to a select few people (my boyfriend included – especially him) and ignore the people I don’t want to talk to – or rather people I can’t handle and overwhelm me. What stinks is that there are some people who think they’re the select few I can handle when in reality they’re part of the other group of people that I need to prepare myself to be around. I don’t know how to tell those people those words and I feel guilty. I feel like I can’t express how I truly feel to some people because I don’t want to jeopardize my friendship with them. It’s been so hard, that I’m expected to tell everybody how I feel and do all this stuff but I can’t tell people how I feel because the friendship that would be at stake means to much to me. I’m in a pickle.

This post turned into something else that is way different than I wanted it to be. It was supposed to be about other things like what I’ve been doing and loving and how I’ve been coping with depression and healing myself. It turned into more of a rant there so I’m going to stop.

Coming up on the blog is going to be my NaNoWriMo journey. I did it once so I’m going to try and do it again. See you all next post.

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